Monthly Archives: November 2014

The Refusal

Give up.

That’s what everybody seems to tell me these days… To give up. On all this… And you would think that after three years, time really is nigh to do so. But I refuse to give up, because I do not want to. I’ll stick to my guns, stubborn as I can, because that is still a much better option than letting go.

I do not want to let go, how could I? I was young, I was foolish, I think I still am both, but less young, and hopefully less foolish as well… Although if refusing to let go were the epitome of foolishness, then I would gladly be more foolish than I was then, even and up to the most foolish person in the world.

I remember, the analogy of falling as diving into a pool filled with molten chocolate, and you daring me to jump in. I did, and it was as glorious as the literal implication of the analogy, swimming in chocolate. As I would imagine all those yummy strawberry desserts feel. And we had fun, we played in the rain, stared into each other’s eyes in the mirrors lining the walls of that dingy joint we had our coffee at…. I remember everything, just as Bryan Adams sings, and I would and could match him up, up to the guttural way he belts out those lyrics. Because that’s how it all is to me, hoe it still feels, it goes all the way down to my gut, and works it up good.

I refuse to let go, because what will I do with the photos I have of you? I cannot stand and testify that I got all of them honestly, but you must know that I meant no harm, I never will. Not to you, how could I even bring myself to do it? You are the gentlest, most interesting soul I had the pleasure of knowing, with your way of words. Your stories, if I started, I would never stop, you told them in such a way that your town monkeys, zebras and other adventures came alive in my head… And I could see them all, and trust you when you said to stay away from them baboons because they never really were nice to begin with.

I refuse to give up, despite you telling me to do so, even if this is all my fault. I cannot bring myself to do it, and pastime after pastime has failed to fill that void, to quench this thirst that my heart feels. How could I dishonour such strong emotions, and simply give up?

No dear, I refuse to do so. Please forgive me, but I refuse.