Monthly Archives: February 2018

I Really Do

I thought I would sit down and write

All these things I want to say

I may not be so eloquent in my speech

Still I prefer to put my conversations down on paper

 

I believe you already know

That in this life that we live

Some people stop mattering after some time

And others begin to matter…

I guess a while has passed now,

But I do not know how you shall take it

So I write this down with no intent of telling you

Knowing that whatever course nature takes

Remains to alter my destiny,

Believing that all things work out for good,

Hoping that neither extreme is manifested,

Wishing that I could let you know,

Anticipating the reaction I may never see,

Admiring the qualities that make you unique,

Praying that you may remain the embodiment of lots,

Loving the memories of you that make me smile…

 

I guess I shall follow something I once heard,

I like you, so I shall let you go – without knowing

If we were meant to be you shall return…

But I shall also risk the consequence of this wisdom

The great pain of losing you without letting you know,

Instead of the lesser pain of being rejected.

 

Wherever you are right about now

Forever is no guaranteed eventuality,

The past is not to be dwelt on, but a lesson,

The future is not to be imagined, but a consequence,

The present is what I’m in right now,

And the state of things, clear and true

Is that I like you – I really do!

 

CTS 2010

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Scylla and Charybdis (His)

I’ve seen a lot in my life

And of late I think I am going mad

 

I thought it was all gonna be a joke

That I would close my eyes and it would all disappear,

But now I have just realised

What a fool I have been

All this while thinking of something

And never letting you know

So I planned to tell you tonight

That’s why I called us a date

And as you walked in I thought

That I was gonna lose my mind –

That is, if I already hadn’t…

 

I pulled your chair and you sat

And I sat – across the table

Your glassy eyes stared at me

In that special way you’d always do

When thinking or trying to figure out something…

Then we ate – and boy don’t you eat!

And as we ate we made small talk

How your day had been

And how mind had been

Then you smiled big

And as you always do – did

Waited for me to ask why

And when I did – Oh God!

I didn’t know what happened

I don’t know if you noticed

But my eyes – they faltered

And stared at you still…

 

You asked if I had plans

And I gave a couple of vague statements.

 

We went back to the flat

And I forlonly went to bed…

I guess it hit you later

That I hadn’t ordered takeout

But had taken you out

And I was all dressed up

‘Cause that’s when you woke up, and damn!

Why do you always have to be so considerate?

I heard you tiptoe out of your room

And I heard you pause at my door

Then you went to the living room

Straight to the rack, and frisked my coat –

 

I guess you felt it, because you gasped

And yes, I was watching you.

I watched you extract it

Your delicate fingers trembling

I heard your gasp

Then a sob catch in your throat…

If sense had prevailed,

I would have gone  back to bed

But hearing you sob

Brought me to your side.

We held each other

And there we found solace

Until your phone rang, and

You jumped – guiltily.

Everything then was a blur, and

Afterwards, if I can remember

You tried to explain

That you had waited

For a hint. a sign, a clue

And had finally gotten impatient

And searched elsewhere.

 

Well, I’ll have you know

That I had always been scared

Of what might have happened,

But as they say, the greatest pain

Is not to love and be rejected

But to lose your love

Without them ever knowing.

 

So I guess now you know

But I have still lost you

And I’m not sure I wanna move on.

 

CTS 14.10.09

Scylla and Charybdis (Hers)

There’s so many ways to kill a rat

Though I’ve never heard of giving it a swat

I really thought I’d make it through

Didn’t know it was gonna be this tough

 

‘Til today I don’t wanna close my eyes

“Cause that’s inviting all the memories

To come back flooding, in front of me

Tempting me to shed some more tears

 

I thought it was for the better

For us to go on and call it quits

 

I vowed once to never live in regrets

But for once I think I’m gonna…

 

I’m gonna let go and learn to feel

All that I’ve been hiding from.

If  you cared to remember something

I pray you remembered that I do not waver

In whatever decisions I make.

So as I allow this torrent to flow

From wherever you may be – know you this –

 

I do not regret and never will I

The days we shared and all we did

Knowing and growing and loving,

Letting us go when hope seemed lost,

Living in misery for a while after that,

Learning to cope with all the emptiness, and

Finally understanding, though not wholly

That what we had isn’t ever coming back.

 

If there’s something I’d like to remember

It would have to be the happy memories

The walks in the park

The photos in the booth

The popcorn and the ice cream wars

The late night texts and calls

Early morning hangovers

From yesterday night’s drinking contests

The queer look as you tried to remember something…

 

Dwell not on the sadder aspects

For therein lies manic depression.

As we both gather ourselves

And attempt to move on

I’d love to ask you

Not to live in the past.

Seek not the past in the future

Live for tomorrow

And some joy you may find.

I write this to you

Not as a dismissal slip

But as a loving reminder

that what we once had

Was very special

Though we may never reclaim it.

Keep this as a reminder

Of good times shared

Days spent on this earth

When you existed –

One, yet two.

 

So take your time and move along

Lemme be a memory to you

One that brings a faint smile.

Let this be a reminder

Of the joys and the woes

Of a careless love

Of a distant past

Of the choices we make

Of the life you’ve lived

Of the depth of your love

Of the pain of heartbreak

Of what we once had

Of what shall never be

Of who we were

Of who I was

Of who you’re gonna be…

 

Above all, do me one last favor,

An act of love, if so be it –

Don’t forget, to remember

To move on – for both our sakes.

 

CTS 12.10.09