Category Archives: In Like

Me…. You….. Us.

There is that magical moment

That happens once in a lifetime

LIke two stars colliding in the sky…

I think I tasted magic from heaven

Right from the day I first set eyes on you.

You were everything everyone else wasn’t

And my mind saw embodied near-perfection

I wished I could get to you

To touch you – or the hem of your garment –

To see if you are really human –

Then I would go home content

if nothing really transpired.

However, or though, I hoped

that more would come to pass

That we would exchange numbers

And become good good friends

Then I would be happy – or glad.

But still, I dared to hope

That you and I would forever be

Friends, companions – and complements

That we – you and I – would hopefully

Raise our lives together

That our – yours and mine – children

Would grow surrounded

With love and care from us – daddy and mommy

That we – you and I – would learn to grow

Old – and age

gracefully, together

Sitting on a porch – the one we built together

Looking back and…

reading this

Smiling and appreciating the audacity of hope

But – alas! My heart grieves

Because I know, fully well – I know –

That inasmuch as I feel all this for you,

Although I know so little of you –

You, most probably, know –

not of my affection nor knowledge of you –

nothing of my existence.


CTS 2010


I Really Do

I thought I would sit down and write

All these things I want to say

I may not be so eloquent in my speech

Still I prefer to put my conversations down on paper


I believe you already know

That in this life that we live

Some people stop mattering after some time

And others begin to matter…

I guess a while has passed now,

But I do not know how you shall take it

So I write this down with no intent of telling you

Knowing that whatever course nature takes

Remains to alter my destiny,

Believing that all things work out for good,

Hoping that neither extreme is manifested,

Wishing that I could let you know,

Anticipating the reaction I may never see,

Admiring the qualities that make you unique,

Praying that you may remain the embodiment of lots,

Loving the memories of you that make me smile…


I guess I shall follow something I once heard,

I like you, so I shall let you go – without knowing

If we were meant to be you shall return…

But I shall also risk the consequence of this wisdom

The great pain of losing you without letting you know,

Instead of the lesser pain of being rejected.


Wherever you are right about now

Forever is no guaranteed eventuality,

The past is not to be dwelt on, but a lesson,

The future is not to be imagined, but a consequence,

The present is what I’m in right now,

And the state of things, clear and true

Is that I like you – I really do!


CTS 2010

Scylla and Charybdis (His)

I’ve seen a lot in my life

And of late I think I am going mad


I thought it was all gonna be a joke

That I would close my eyes and it would all disappear,

But now I have just realised

What a fool I have been

All this while thinking of something

And never letting you know

So I planned to tell you tonight

That’s why I called us a date

And as you walked in I thought

That I was gonna lose my mind –

That is, if I already hadn’t…


I pulled your chair and you sat

And I sat – across the table

Your glassy eyes stared at me

In that special way you’d always do

When thinking or trying to figure out something…

Then we ate – and boy don’t you eat!

And as we ate we made small talk

How your day had been

And how mind had been

Then you smiled big

And as you always do – did

Waited for me to ask why

And when I did – Oh God!

I didn’t know what happened

I don’t know if you noticed

But my eyes – they faltered

And stared at you still…


You asked if I had plans

And I gave a couple of vague statements.


We went back to the flat

And I forlonly went to bed…

I guess it hit you later

That I hadn’t ordered takeout

But had taken you out

And I was all dressed up

‘Cause that’s when you woke up, and damn!

Why do you always have to be so considerate?

I heard you tiptoe out of your room

And I heard you pause at my door

Then you went to the living room

Straight to the rack, and frisked my coat –


I guess you felt it, because you gasped

And yes, I was watching you.

I watched you extract it

Your delicate fingers trembling

I heard your gasp

Then a sob catch in your throat…

If sense had prevailed,

I would have gone  back to bed

But hearing you sob

Brought me to your side.

We held each other

And there we found solace

Until your phone rang, and

You jumped – guiltily.

Everything then was a blur, and

Afterwards, if I can remember

You tried to explain

That you had waited

For a hint. a sign, a clue

And had finally gotten impatient

And searched elsewhere.


Well, I’ll have you know

That I had always been scared

Of what might have happened,

But as they say, the greatest pain

Is not to love and be rejected

But to lose your love

Without them ever knowing.


So I guess now you know

But I have still lost you

And I’m not sure I wanna move on.


CTS 14.10.09

Scylla and Charybdis (Hers)

There’s so many ways to kill a rat

Though I’ve never heard of giving it a swat

I really thought I’d make it through

Didn’t know it was gonna be this tough


‘Til today I don’t wanna close my eyes

“Cause that’s inviting all the memories

To come back flooding, in front of me

Tempting me to shed some more tears


I thought it was for the better

For us to go on and call it quits


I vowed once to never live in regrets

But for once I think I’m gonna…


I’m gonna let go and learn to feel

All that I’ve been hiding from.

If  you cared to remember something

I pray you remembered that I do not waver

In whatever decisions I make.

So as I allow this torrent to flow

From wherever you may be – know you this –


I do not regret and never will I

The days we shared and all we did

Knowing and growing and loving,

Letting us go when hope seemed lost,

Living in misery for a while after that,

Learning to cope with all the emptiness, and

Finally understanding, though not wholly

That what we had isn’t ever coming back.


If there’s something I’d like to remember

It would have to be the happy memories

The walks in the park

The photos in the booth

The popcorn and the ice cream wars

The late night texts and calls

Early morning hangovers

From yesterday night’s drinking contests

The queer look as you tried to remember something…


Dwell not on the sadder aspects

For therein lies manic depression.

As we both gather ourselves

And attempt to move on

I’d love to ask you

Not to live in the past.

Seek not the past in the future

Live for tomorrow

And some joy you may find.

I write this to you

Not as a dismissal slip

But as a loving reminder

that what we once had

Was very special

Though we may never reclaim it.

Keep this as a reminder

Of good times shared

Days spent on this earth

When you existed –

One, yet two.


So take your time and move along

Lemme be a memory to you

One that brings a faint smile.

Let this be a reminder

Of the joys and the woes

Of a careless love

Of a distant past

Of the choices we make

Of the life you’ve lived

Of the depth of your love

Of the pain of heartbreak

Of what we once had

Of what shall never be

Of who we were

Of who I was

Of who you’re gonna be…


Above all, do me one last favor,

An act of love, if so be it –

Don’t forget, to remember

To move on – for both our sakes.


CTS 12.10.09


My Writer’s Block

What exactly does it mean to have “writer’s block”? Many people have said that they have experienced this, that this is the reason for their not putting out any work… Does this phrase have a specific, fixed, direct, immutable meaning? Well no, of course not, but then again that question was dumb. I just googled it, and apparently, there’s even types of writers block. TYPES!!!

I would say I have been experiencing it but then that wouldn’t be entirely true. I have had content to write about. I have written all about everything, and then so much more. The only problem is, everything I write has boiled down to one topic. One. I could be writing about the beauty of the wind in my face on a game drive, and then you become the wind. It could be about how I had the most beautiful cake in the whole wide world, and suddenly you’re the cake. It could be about the beauty of the views I have of the sunrise and sunset from my room, and then there you are, my sun rising and setting with you.

Truth is, nothing I churn out is untouched by you. The thought. The idea. The memory of you. You are everywhere. Usually, I wouldn’t mind. But I want to write, I really do. I want to put all this beauty around me to paper, and not have it infused with yours. I want to capture the sights and sounds, and not have them filtered through you. You are forbidden fruit, and it has to stay that way.

Twin Crushes??

I am willing to bet that everyone who will read this post has had a crush at one point or another. Several, actually. And we can all relate with the feeling, how those butterflies come unbidden when you see the object of your affections, how you swoon, how you build an entire kingdom of castles in the air thinking about being together and how much fun that will be… Yah? Crushes are awesome, very good, wonderful, even. And then they die a natural death, or he gets a girl and your heart breaks into a million pieces for all of 3 days before you get a rebound crush, or something. Note, I’m talking about crushes today, not relationships. Crushes. Infatuations.
What happens when you develop a crush on identical twins? You don’t really know them yet, so you cannot exactly tell the difference between them, but you like one of them. Am I the only one who has gone through this? Something happened within the past week that reminded me of an incident like this that took place a while back. I was 13, and thoroughly in like with a guy who had an identical twin. Then, it was easy for me to tell them apart because they had only their looks in common, everything else was very different. One of them was the cool guy, he hung out with cool guys, he had cool clothes, girls liked him a lot. The one I liked was more reserved, chill, quiet-ish, simple – just how I like my guys. His acne had also checked in earlier than his brother’s (I’m not even sure if he developed it eventually, will explain why), but that didn’t matter to me, he was very kind and nice – you know? Personality. Inner beauty. That stuff.
I never really spoke to any of them, at least not at length… But my mother knew their father. Not that it changed anything anyway… and the only close interaction (and by close I mean in terms of proximity) I ever had with any of them was one day when we had a class retreat with our parents and teachers and got divided into teams, and I was in the same team with one of them, I think. The details of that day are a bit fuzzy. So yes, I had this debilitating crush on Adam for that entire year, and it died because we finished primary school and I went to a boarding high school and they disappeared off the face of the earth entirely – which is why I cannot say for certain whether John’s acne ever came knocking. I never saw any of them for the four years I was in high school.
Fast forward four years, and I bumped into one of them. We were 18 then, and the moment I saw those big eyes I was transported back in time to the days I couldn’t say a single word around any of them. We participated in a volunteering program together, and even then I couldn’t speak more than muttered hellos, because I was crushing again. However, this time, I wasn’t sure who was who… There was no acne, no brother to contrast with, and he was cool, calm, collected. Because I wanted to, I guess, my mind decided that this was the guy, after four years, ergo second chance. Rekindled crush. For another while, I revisited those early days every now and then (I know, right?????), until I had to move on. Because it was pretty silly, I said.
Again, fast forward another four years, to last week. I was doing my rounds on facebook, and I find a post by him with a few people tagged in it. I recognized the name of his twin and decided to check out how he was doing, and you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that the revisited crush in the previous paragraph was directed at the wrong twin!!!! Mortification!!!!! I didn’t even know where to start, I still don’t… but at least now I can see some humor in it. Which brings me to the question that had me writing this post in the first place… What happens when you develop a crush on identical twins you cannot as yet tell apart?
P.S. Adam is not his real name 😛

These Guys…

There’s a certain breed of guys I find myself gravitating towards… And thank God they do not know it yet.

The kind that should know better, but don’t. The kind that have no clue what it takes, or means, to keep a girl happy… Or just maybe acts that way… The kind that look like they don’t want to touch a girl with a ten-foot pole. The kind that sends the text that kills all conversation, and you have to wrack your brain to bring up something else. The kind that is adorable, but hates to hear it. The kind that shares in the same peculiarities, that shares the same secret pleasures as I, but away from the public eye. The kind of guy whose statements almost always sound mean, until you get to know them, and understand that no harm was meant by them…. The kind that fit many of these descriptions, and then some, because they are bigger than any descriptions. The kind that also happens to be some of this, and none of it at the same time. The kind that confuses me….

The kind that doesn’t really fit into the criteria of whom I should like, but that I do anyway. The kind that would probably laugh if they knew I’m into them. The kind that may stumble across this one day, and then deny that they ever know me, that they have any association with me. The kind that defies stereotypes, that guy that feeds me a whole lot more than anybody else ever has in any given environment, give or take. The kind that makes me all giddy and all comfortable at the same time. The kind of guy that makes me write a post at one am, despite my resolutions to not write about any significant others, or potential ones, because of how ephemeral this all could get. The kind that would never know I learnt that word watching Teen Wolf, or even that I like that show. The kind that I couldn’t imagine getting all old and wrinkly beside, yet I still get pulled in… The kind that makes me think I’m waaay in over my head, the kind that makes me know I’m screwed.

I think I’ll leave it off here, lest I add things I will regret, because the thought of having a crush figured out from a blog post, by the person himself, mortifies me to no end. Lol… This life. iOut 😀